Symphony in Repose

No more motion
Rest is the motivation
Living in 1st gear
Has never been so
Moving

To be without
Shows what with which we have
Loving living
All the true things of life
Can only truly be seen
While away

I thank you for brakes
For allowing us the understanding of velocity
So we can revel in the lack thereof

God is in those quiet moments, bidding us sleep

Reasons

She adorns herself with pearls
Dancing in the cool autumn leaves
And there's a buzzing in my ear
A faint twisting in my stomach

"What is it, what is this feeling that I do so love?"

Is it the way your hand grasps
For my hand
And caresses it with utmost care?

Is it the way you look at me
Like you were the first
To actually see what's there?

Or is it the way you speak
Of your care
For me?

Ultimately, as time will tell, I care for you
For all the reasons above
But most of all
I care for you
Because you are you

You are to me like a cool drink on a sweltering day

Requite

Oh what a feeling!
What a glorious reeling
From your heart to mine
A sensation so divine
And yet so hard
To define

A cacophony of emotions
Hope against fear
Longing against fulfillment
And love against bitter
Memory
Clanging and bashing in the most trying of ways
Though comforting in it's shared weight

But you have given so much
When you but utter my name.
And you raise my dreary head
With a touch of your hand.
And your soft sweet voice
Urges my confidence
And fuels my optimistic tendencies.

You are there like the sun
Even when out of reach
You're just around the bend
And you wait with open arms
For when we can once again
Be warmed by our mutual
Requited
Joy

You are to me a pearl: valuable and wonderful to look upon

For A Friend

I never asked you to be perfect
I only asked you to be here.

You are a friend that I couldn't let go. A companion whose worth is
Endless.
You are my sister.
I would not replace you
I could not
There's no other friend like you out there for me.

So no matter what, I will work to be your friend
A true friend giving of myself to give you help
Rest
And laughter

And all I ask in return is that you would be here with me
Walking in our Father's field
Looking, patiently, for His blessings
And helping eachother through all of the obstacles that enter our path.
Because that's what friends do

You are my friend.

Lonely

It's a cold cold place
When you're that falling tree alone in the woods
Can they hear your cry?
The tougher question still is
Was there a sound at all?

It's when everything in our grasp is pulled away,
like a ship steadliy sinking to the surface
Of the silent sea
Articles and property
Sliding to their new home.
Slipping to the depths

I miss warmth and shelter
Missing what I had once
What I mistreated
What I let go of.

What I want most of all now in this moment
Is for someone to hold me
To be my strength
For I am without
And to show me
That I am not alone, nor weak, nor without

But where are those arms to squeeze the bow of the doomed vessel?
Where is that kindness shown to the silent giant flying to his doom?
Where is my comfort?
And why all these
Questions

Would you hear me if I fell?

Brown Eyes

Like two little black holes pulling my essence apart
Like bull's eyes mocking arrow's meager attempts
Like inverted little lightening bugs lit the night
Like tiny pools of love, roped and fenced off from my grasp

I'm a sucker for a brown eyed girl, but saddly, any will suffice.
The darker?
The better.
Captivated, I move through time and space
You sitting there with that smile in those deep, deep eyes
What is it that I see in them?
Is it you? Can I see you in shiny little baubles that adorn the soul?
Or is it just wrapping paper covering what I can't imagine?

Or am I content with surface things?
Is that it?
I only want what I can grasp, desiring to pry carrots and roots from the ground
As opposed to digging deeper to uncover the pearl.

"Why do I fall in love with every woman I see who shows me the least bit of attention?"

Shadow

Right now
Right in this moment
All that remains of a once roaring flame
Are tiny embers and
Smoke, wafting gently from the wick.
I was once enraged

Now?
Now I sit and think.
Thinking of so many things
And so many nothings

Thinking that where once was a man
Composed of anger and self-disgust
That man is gone
And I am now the echo of what was

I am Matt's thoughtful shadow

Though fret not, for I'm not alone.
Nay, not even am I me, but the sum
Of all the little lights around me.
Beautiful things that give shape to my formless
Existence.

And then there's one Light. One glorious orb. That when all of the little bulbs are far from sight or broken or dim, still radiates and will never fade.

I'm nothing but shadow, a form to accompany something real
Skewed by perception and angle
Faded by the darkness that surrounds
Bound to sidewalks and surfaces
But You still love me
And You give me more than I deserve

So draw near, dear Light, warm this shadow with Your rays. Allow this lowly apparition to know Your love and mercy. And if at all possible, twist this reality and manipulate it so that, despite all the laws that bind me to this two dimensional plane, I can feel and experience Your arms
wrapped around.
Bound naught by what surrounds
But by Your heart.

Amen

And As A Great Man Once Said

Now it is finished

Today :-(

Today hasn't been a very good day for me.
It's been very lonely and angry and I just want to run away from here and just think and forget. I want to forget about the person I have these insane feelings for...because it would be easier than having to cope with them. And I want to run away so that it will be my fault that I'm lonely.
But as for this day, it's gone from neutral to lonely to angry...and now sad. And what should I do? What can I do? I honestly want to put everything on the table for her, apologize for the inconvenience, and leave. But I'm too afraid that there might actually be something possible if I just learn what patience is and apply it...but I'd rather just do something.
And I find it ridiculous that I'm feeling this way about this girl. I don't know what her favorite color is...
Nor do I know her favorite food.
I don't know her mom's name
And I don't know who she is, just what she has shown me.
And ultimately...I don't know anything at all.
Are relationships here supposed to be chosen by us based on Godly criteria, or should God be in complete control? Should I do something? Can I do anything at all? Am I even supposed to be with someone...cause I've really considered it today and it seems as though based on my life that I'm not meant to. The only constants in my life have been God and my mother.
Am I meant to be a lonely wanderer?
Because right now, I think that I am.
I just don't know...
Anything.
-M

Blind

I walk with eyes closed
I fear that I will see you
And if I see you
I fear that I will love you
And if I love you
I fear that I will strive
And I will fall short

What to do then
If, whilst running blind,
I fall into an abyss?

Will your hand be there
To pull me out?

Or will I plunge, as I have done time and time again
Into this cold place
That I cannot keep from

Longing

Thoughts On My Life

I've got nothing in of myself
No beauty to speak of
No words to say
I have nothing in the way
Of anything but given gifts
Of Love.

All I have is what I've been given
Nothing more
I am a dark crusty shell
A clam
Sifting the good from the bad, hoping
To someday
Uncover a pearl

My God has been gracious
My world has not
My love is fleeting
My kindness false
All I know is selfishness
All I have is pain
But You have come to guide my path
Holy is your name

What Can I do then
Knowing so little
Wanting so much

With outstretched arms I cry to you
"Lord, please take them away!"
What will I do when
He gives me more
Than I could have asked for

Bitterness subsides in Love's stead

Glass

I would come to you
But you appear to be in a cocoon
Of glass
A shell of protection
A place
That I am not allowed

So I have tried banging
And shouting

I've knocked
And whispered

I've pleaded
But to no avail
So now?
Now I will wait. And no waiting like one who huffs and taps
Taps his toe on the cold pavement
But I will watch and wait.
Sitting in my green field, talking and walking with my Father in the bluest of skies.
And if you should ever come near
If ever to grace my presence with yours
I will smile and wave
And wait
For you to speak.

Waiting, trying, patiently

Pictures

If I could do something worthwhile with my life
If I could do something at all
I would become a photographer
As long as my only subject is you
We'd scour the wilderness together
We'd skim the coast
We'd fly high above the earth
We'd dig below
And throughout our many adventures and among all of the people we'd meet
No matter the weather, no matter the pace
No matter any pressure that we would endure
No matter whatever would happen
We'd have each other.
And I'd do what I would love - Seeing you
And no matter where we went, no matter where we were
We'd never be alone. For you and I would be physical incarnations of the Holy One for one another.
And we would be Love.
And we would be Free.


Beautiful Dream

Elusive

Whilst sitting among friend and foreigner,
She sat waiting for something pure.
Wondering when that day would come
When she would find the key
To unlock the door.

A Very Enjoyable Mess

She said that I smell like a memory...
...
But that doesn't change anything...except my mood...and as I told of my beloved mother and distant father, and she talked around a weakness in her that I have not yet proven myself to help with,if I even can,
I looked at her.
I really looked at her.
And I understand the feelings now. As I heard her voice and wrapped my arms around her to whisper strength and encouragement into her ear...
...it was like nothing I'd known.
It was wonderful.
So here's the deal. I wont give up on her. I take back all of those silly words and replace them with words that will probably be replaced themselves.

I will continue to be there for you.
And hopefully under the protection of that guardian tree, next to Jerry's final place of rest, we shall understand each other better. And I will say silly things that make you playfully turn from me in protest, and we will explore life together as companions.
I want so badly to be your friend...your spirit and voice are both so wonderfully beautiful...so much so that if it takes giving up what I so longingly desire, then I'll do just that.
I just want to do something right for once.
To care without seeking gain.
To love unconditionally.
To not push this one away with my selfishness.
And to enjoy life as it were to be enjoyed.

Good Night

Surrender

I give up. I'm done.
You've won.

No longer will I come to your door,
Nothing but a raven to say "Nevermore"
My heart is too too-much-butter-on-not-enough-toast spread
And I just can't continue to let myself be misled.

Those eyes aren't for me to deilght in.
That scent is not for my enjoyment
You are someone else's girl
Like all the other pretty little ones I've known.

So this is adieu, so long, good bye to you.
No more of my harassment
I'm one more thing off your monumental list of to-do.
So please, breathe easy, knowing that it's not spitefulness or hate that lead me to such conclusions. It's weariness of myself for myself. It's nothing more than fight or flight and I'm done fighting.
I'm a cowboy on the horizon.
A ghost.
Shadow.
Nothing more than an apparition.


Farewell.

Silence

I wish I had the words to say
I wish I only knew
I wish I understood just exactly
what to speak to you

But this life of mine doesn't bring many answers
Weary is the way of things
Life feels much like a standstill
So then what do I do with these wings?

What I do know is that I ache,
I ache for a day,
A day in which I can make sense of these things
A day when I can look into your eyes, whomever you are,
Then press my lips to your ear and whisper,

"How long have I waited for you?
How long has it been?
I thought I had enough
I thought I was through
But then I came upon someone such as you."

And on that day my questions wont be cast away but anew,
and even though I will still have no clue,
I will know that life is good
Because I will be with you.

-M

An Ode To Stupidity

It was a cruel thing
A sting that I was forced to suppress
A bitter taste that I should have forseen
But I digress.
For, as you should see,
I don't know if you're the one for me.

Who are you, do I know?
Why is it then that I have let you so
Corrupt my way of thinking with
Those deep, beguiling eyes...
That may be filled with lies!
Lies, like I have known before, that blossom into the looks of wild flowers,
But then go to spurt the vilest of spores that paralyze the lungs.

Or maybe, just maybe, you're not like any other fair one I've encountered.
I would like to say that
That is the way and
Restoration will come to this withered emotional core.
But then again,
As I must confirm,
I don't quite know who you are.

Life is a fickle mistress.

Prose

Oh my friend, how long have I known you?
A week, or perhaps the best part of my life?
Does it even really matter,
Does it matter at all?
Of course it does. It matters a bunch. Life is short but not too short to understand before acting.
To leap before looking.
...
So what will I do then. Will I intoxicate myself with your beauty, and allow your eyes to be my portals to joy and happiness? Will I learn from your mind and find wisdom in its strength?? Will I do nothing and wait for your hand to grasp for mine?
All I know to do is to wait and watch and live.

Who am I?

ruf·fi·an

n.

1. A tough or rowdy person.

2. A thug or gangster.
(source: www.thefreedictionary.com)

ruf·i·an
n.
1. Another name for me, Matthew "Rufus" Havens
2. A frequently used title used by myself to refer to people that read my blogs

more to come, my friends and fellow Rufian!