And As A Great Man Once Said

Now it is finished

Today :-(

Today hasn't been a very good day for me.
It's been very lonely and angry and I just want to run away from here and just think and forget. I want to forget about the person I have these insane feelings for...because it would be easier than having to cope with them. And I want to run away so that it will be my fault that I'm lonely.
But as for this day, it's gone from neutral to lonely to angry...and now sad. And what should I do? What can I do? I honestly want to put everything on the table for her, apologize for the inconvenience, and leave. But I'm too afraid that there might actually be something possible if I just learn what patience is and apply it...but I'd rather just do something.
And I find it ridiculous that I'm feeling this way about this girl. I don't know what her favorite color is...
Nor do I know her favorite food.
I don't know her mom's name
And I don't know who she is, just what she has shown me.
And ultimately...I don't know anything at all.
Are relationships here supposed to be chosen by us based on Godly criteria, or should God be in complete control? Should I do something? Can I do anything at all? Am I even supposed to be with someone...cause I've really considered it today and it seems as though based on my life that I'm not meant to. The only constants in my life have been God and my mother.
Am I meant to be a lonely wanderer?
Because right now, I think that I am.
I just don't know...
Anything.
-M

Blind

I walk with eyes closed
I fear that I will see you
And if I see you
I fear that I will love you
And if I love you
I fear that I will strive
And I will fall short

What to do then
If, whilst running blind,
I fall into an abyss?

Will your hand be there
To pull me out?

Or will I plunge, as I have done time and time again
Into this cold place
That I cannot keep from

Longing

Thoughts On My Life

I've got nothing in of myself
No beauty to speak of
No words to say
I have nothing in the way
Of anything but given gifts
Of Love.

All I have is what I've been given
Nothing more
I am a dark crusty shell
A clam
Sifting the good from the bad, hoping
To someday
Uncover a pearl

My God has been gracious
My world has not
My love is fleeting
My kindness false
All I know is selfishness
All I have is pain
But You have come to guide my path
Holy is your name

What Can I do then
Knowing so little
Wanting so much

With outstretched arms I cry to you
"Lord, please take them away!"
What will I do when
He gives me more
Than I could have asked for

Bitterness subsides in Love's stead

Glass

I would come to you
But you appear to be in a cocoon
Of glass
A shell of protection
A place
That I am not allowed

So I have tried banging
And shouting

I've knocked
And whispered

I've pleaded
But to no avail
So now?
Now I will wait. And no waiting like one who huffs and taps
Taps his toe on the cold pavement
But I will watch and wait.
Sitting in my green field, talking and walking with my Father in the bluest of skies.
And if you should ever come near
If ever to grace my presence with yours
I will smile and wave
And wait
For you to speak.

Waiting, trying, patiently

Pictures

If I could do something worthwhile with my life
If I could do something at all
I would become a photographer
As long as my only subject is you
We'd scour the wilderness together
We'd skim the coast
We'd fly high above the earth
We'd dig below
And throughout our many adventures and among all of the people we'd meet
No matter the weather, no matter the pace
No matter any pressure that we would endure
No matter whatever would happen
We'd have each other.
And I'd do what I would love - Seeing you
And no matter where we went, no matter where we were
We'd never be alone. For you and I would be physical incarnations of the Holy One for one another.
And we would be Love.
And we would be Free.


Beautiful Dream

Elusive

Whilst sitting among friend and foreigner,
She sat waiting for something pure.
Wondering when that day would come
When she would find the key
To unlock the door.

A Very Enjoyable Mess

She said that I smell like a memory...
...
But that doesn't change anything...except my mood...and as I told of my beloved mother and distant father, and she talked around a weakness in her that I have not yet proven myself to help with,if I even can,
I looked at her.
I really looked at her.
And I understand the feelings now. As I heard her voice and wrapped my arms around her to whisper strength and encouragement into her ear...
...it was like nothing I'd known.
It was wonderful.
So here's the deal. I wont give up on her. I take back all of those silly words and replace them with words that will probably be replaced themselves.

I will continue to be there for you.
And hopefully under the protection of that guardian tree, next to Jerry's final place of rest, we shall understand each other better. And I will say silly things that make you playfully turn from me in protest, and we will explore life together as companions.
I want so badly to be your friend...your spirit and voice are both so wonderfully beautiful...so much so that if it takes giving up what I so longingly desire, then I'll do just that.
I just want to do something right for once.
To care without seeking gain.
To love unconditionally.
To not push this one away with my selfishness.
And to enjoy life as it were to be enjoyed.

Good Night

Surrender

I give up. I'm done.
You've won.

No longer will I come to your door,
Nothing but a raven to say "Nevermore"
My heart is too too-much-butter-on-not-enough-toast spread
And I just can't continue to let myself be misled.

Those eyes aren't for me to deilght in.
That scent is not for my enjoyment
You are someone else's girl
Like all the other pretty little ones I've known.

So this is adieu, so long, good bye to you.
No more of my harassment
I'm one more thing off your monumental list of to-do.
So please, breathe easy, knowing that it's not spitefulness or hate that lead me to such conclusions. It's weariness of myself for myself. It's nothing more than fight or flight and I'm done fighting.
I'm a cowboy on the horizon.
A ghost.
Shadow.
Nothing more than an apparition.


Farewell.

Silence

I wish I had the words to say
I wish I only knew
I wish I understood just exactly
what to speak to you

But this life of mine doesn't bring many answers
Weary is the way of things
Life feels much like a standstill
So then what do I do with these wings?

What I do know is that I ache,
I ache for a day,
A day in which I can make sense of these things
A day when I can look into your eyes, whomever you are,
Then press my lips to your ear and whisper,

"How long have I waited for you?
How long has it been?
I thought I had enough
I thought I was through
But then I came upon someone such as you."

And on that day my questions wont be cast away but anew,
and even though I will still have no clue,
I will know that life is good
Because I will be with you.

-M

An Ode To Stupidity

It was a cruel thing
A sting that I was forced to suppress
A bitter taste that I should have forseen
But I digress.
For, as you should see,
I don't know if you're the one for me.

Who are you, do I know?
Why is it then that I have let you so
Corrupt my way of thinking with
Those deep, beguiling eyes...
That may be filled with lies!
Lies, like I have known before, that blossom into the looks of wild flowers,
But then go to spurt the vilest of spores that paralyze the lungs.

Or maybe, just maybe, you're not like any other fair one I've encountered.
I would like to say that
That is the way and
Restoration will come to this withered emotional core.
But then again,
As I must confirm,
I don't quite know who you are.

Life is a fickle mistress.

Prose

Oh my friend, how long have I known you?
A week, or perhaps the best part of my life?
Does it even really matter,
Does it matter at all?
Of course it does. It matters a bunch. Life is short but not too short to understand before acting.
To leap before looking.
...
So what will I do then. Will I intoxicate myself with your beauty, and allow your eyes to be my portals to joy and happiness? Will I learn from your mind and find wisdom in its strength?? Will I do nothing and wait for your hand to grasp for mine?
All I know to do is to wait and watch and live.